Editor’s Note: Monae Miller is the Praise and Worship Leader at A Breath of Praise Community Church in Round Rock. The opinions expressed are her own.
I was hospitalized in 2012 for an unknown psychosis. I was lost and wandering around the University of Houston campus until my brother found me. I did not remember who I was or how I got there, and it was as if I was spinning in circles. I eventually snapped out of it and after about a week of hospitalization.
About three years later, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, what used to be known as “manic depression.” For those that are unfamiliar with this condition, it makes you have a series of highs and lows — so, you go from really excited or high energy to depression or low energy. Medication helps regulate things, but you can still have episodes.
I wrote a song while I was in the hospital in 2012; it’s called “Lost.” It is an important song because it symbolizes the emotions I was feeling during my hospital stay. The lyrics say, “Heal the brokenness as I turn from the seduction of my self-destruction, set free my testimony.”
I can talk about my mental illness without feeling shameful.
It is true that self-destruction is a seduction. We are influenced to believe that the things of this world make you feel good and allow you to be invincible. For me, it’s helped that I serve a God that tells me that I am no longer of this world. I am a child of God and delivered from the penalty of sin. My testimony had been set free and I can talk about my mental illness without feeling shameful. I hope my testimony helps someone else.
The song also says, “Lord, supply my demand to be used while I stand in the power of a love that is greater than my sense of reality.” I wrote this because my sense of reality was clouded with whatever was going on mentally, but I knew there was a love that was greater than that and could give me the power to stand.
My sense of reality was clouded mentally, but I knew there was a greater love that could give me the power to stand.
This entire song is my testimony of how I was lost, literally, and found. Praise God for deliverance, though. Below are the lyrics. Let me know what you think. If you or someone you know needs help with mental health, please visit the National Alliance on Mental Illness website for resources in Austin.
Lost, by Monae Miller (2012)
Lord supply my demand to be used while I stand in the power
Of a love that is greater than my sense of reality
I remember what I used to be
My heart beats of freedom
I was lost, searching and searching
Spiraling out of control
No peace, no rest
Just hunger, distress
While I search for you
Long for you
and wait for you
Lord reveal all the plans that will amplify the goodness of you in me
Heal the brokenness as I turn from the seduction of my self-destruction
Set free my testimony
Monae started out playing the piano when she was 8 years old but transitioned to the acoustic guitar in 2014. She has loved the acoustic guitar ever since. She recently released her sophomore CD #ForeverAlive. A version of this article originally appeared on her Monae Miller Music blog.