Issues Between Black Men and Women that Lead Men to Date Interracial Only-And How to Solve Them

Interracial dating can be a beautiful thing, and both Black men and women date outside their race.

However, Black men are twice as likely to marry outside their race than Black women, and there is a unique, community issue of some Black men explicitly not wanting to date Black women at all, which isn’t as common in other races.

There is no problem with a Black man dating interracial, but it becomes a problem if he refuses to date Black women based on stereotypes, preconceived notions and unconscious self-hatred.

This mindset is destructive to the Black community and himself.

Issues Come from Both Sides

The first step to fixing the problems between Black men and women is for both genders to own up to their faults.

Read the comments section of any posts on interracial dating. You’ll see how quick we are to point out our issues with the other gender, but rarely accept hard truths about our gender or do anything to change them.

What if we started thinking of solutions, instead of just the problems?

Could we get to a place of mutual love and respect for each other?

Because, as a people who have historically received so much hatred, we, Black women and men, so desperately deserve love and respect.

Here are the common issues Black men mention as to why they decide to not date Black women, where the issues stem from and how both sides can own up and fix them.

He Says Black Women Have Attitudes

This notion comes from the age old “angry, black woman” idea. Black men have used this as a reason why they prefer the more “calm, level-headed” White woman. The problem with this concept is two-fold:

Anger is a human emotion

Anyone can be angry, even non-Black women. However, rooted in a white supremacy structure, White women are always assigned presumed innocence and purity, and it’s that very innocence that has gotten Black men wrongfully imprisoned or killed.

This perception that comes from slavery pushes the notion that White women are sweet and docile while Black women are wild, angry and uncontrollable.

It is the way a man treats a woman that truly determines her “attitude.”

Have you ever watched Snapped? There are plenty of White women on the show who kill their men out of anger, rage and jealously. Alternatively, have you ever seen a woman with a good man who loves and respects her? She typically is always wearing a smile.

Black women carry double the frustration

Think about the rage you feel living as a Black man in a country that has been and is systematically discriminating against and killing you and your community.

Now, imagine that feeling, twice over. That is how Black women feel. Do we carry around frustration and anger? Yes, but this comes from being a double minority; it comes from being oppressed not only by White people, but by the only other person you’d hope would understand oppression and not inflict it upon you, but does so anyway based on gender: the Black man.

Black man, own up and fix it

Not all Black women have attitudes.

This is an ugly stereotype that ties too closely to racism for you to even carry it around as a Black man.

However, if a Black woman does get an attitude with you, ask yourself: Why? What did I do? Be honest with yourself. You want respect and to be spoken to like a man, but make sure you’re giving the Black woman that same respect back. If you don’t, don’t expect bad behavior to be met with kind words and non-reaction.

If someone treats you badly, aren’t you going to react? If your woman caught you texting three other women after you were just telling her how much you love her and being with her, does that not warrant anger/attitude?

If you prefer White women because they allow you to behave any type of way, then own up to the fact that it’s not that Black women have attitudes, it’s that you feel you have the right to disrespect women and suffer no consequences for it.

Black woman, own up and fix it

You know that life is difficult as a Black woman. You carry struggles and endure sufferings that no other human being would have the strength to survive, and yet, you’re still here.

If you are someone that catches attitudes often, own up to the fact that the frustration from the struggle can spill over into the way you to talk to a man.

No man wants to feel belittled or disrespected.

You know all too well the struggles a Black man must deal with, so don’t add unnecessary stress to his day.

Before you go off or catch an attitude, ask yourself: Is there a better way to say this? Is there a better tone I can use? Is an attitude necessary or deserved?

You can tell a man that you have an issue with him without getting loud or “turning up,” because it’s true that it’s not what you say, but how you say it.

He may be more likely to listen, and if he doesn’t hear you out, then he lacks communication skills and not someone you should bother with anyway.

He Says Black Women Don’t Need a Man

If you say “I don’t need a man,” remove it from your vocabulary immediately.

Black women do need Black men, but this term doesn’t accurately reflect how.

Black women might not need providers, but still need partners

Black girl magic is always flowing. Black women have the tenacity, intelligence and dedication to carry themselves and whole families on their backs, but that’s not how it’s supposed to be.

It’s true that some Black women have had to fill the shoes of Black men in cases where the men have been removed from our community due to mass incarceration, where the men have chosen not to fulfill their responsibilities as fathers, or where the woman’s level of financial success has scared away some men based on his insecurity.

However, just because a Black woman may not need a man to be a provider, this doesn’t dismiss her need to have him as a partner.

Why do Black women say it

Some Black women feel the need to show off that they can take care of themselves because of other complaints from Black men that there are Black women who are gold diggers chasing money or “moochers” trying to get money by having children and collecting child support.

It’s another ugly stereotype, and there are plenty of successful, educated, self-motivated Black women out there. Some of these women use “I don’t need a man” to say: “Hey, we’re not all like that. Some of us are different. We don’t need your money. See.” Unfortunately, however, this comes off to men as not wanting a man at all.

Black woman, own up and fix it

You’re successful, stable and have enough self-love that you don’t need a man, but you want one, right? If you want to be single forever, then this isn’t for you, but many Black women want a Black man to love and cherish.

Men, especially Black men, want to feel needed.

They want to feel like they’re an important aspect of your life. Stop saying how much you “don’t need a man” because this doesn’t impress anyone and it’s more likely to keep you from having a good one.

When a man enters your life, he’ll see what you have going on, your intelligence and your lifestyle. You don’t need to throw it in his face that you can make it without him or any man. Instead, show him the places you do need him, because love, affection, companionship and sex are things you likely still want from a man.

Black man, own up and fix it

Just as you can be prideful, so can Black women. Some Black women don’t want to say how they feel lonely without a man, how they feel, out of all their success, he’s the only thing truly missing, and how they want nothing more than to give all of their love to a Black man, because, often times, if a Black woman is vulnerable and honest about those feelings, she’s called desperate by Black men.

No Black woman wants to look like that.

Encourage her vulnerability and see that there are Black women who do want and need a Black man.

Also, while a woman shouldn’t pursue a man purely for his money, if you really want to be a provider and contribute financially to her life, you can’t turn around and get mad when an independent woman asks you to pay a bill just because “she got it.”

He Says Black Women Don’t Know How to Submit

The idea that a White woman knows how to submit and let a man lead, while a Black woman does not, is both contentious and false. It ties in historically with the above issues with White women traditionally being painted as more docile and Black women having to fill male roles that White women just haven’t had to fill.

Can Black women even submit at all

Can and will Black women submit? Yes. Will Black women submit in the same speed and to the same type of Black men as a White woman? No.

There’s an expectation that every man should be the leader, and his woman should submit to him. However, what about the man who does not have good leadership skills, the man, who if followed, could lead a woman astray, the man who is weak-minded and weak-willed, the man who is not a good man? A Black woman is not going to submit until she’s had enough time to see what type of man she’s dealing with and if he reveals himself to be a man not worth submitting to, then she will not.

Why can White women submit so easily

Many Black men who only date White women typically treat them better because they have assumptions about them and respect them more, and if you show a woman great treatment and respect, she has no problem submitting.

These same men dated a few Black women but looked for the negative stereotypes in them, and thus did not respect them, and thus did not get the submission he wanted.

Also, since dating a Black man is more of a novelty or thrill for White women, and they do not have any cultural context of growing up and dealing with Black men, they lack a certain hesitation to submit to them that would more inherently come from a Black woman.

Black man, own up and fix it

Submission does not mean she does everything you say, when you say it. You are her partner, not her father. You’re dealing with another grown person, and you are supposed to be a team. A good leader sets direction for the team, but doesn’t dismiss the voices of those following him.

Relationships are better as democracies, not dictatorships.

Recognize that you must gain her trust before you get her submission, and if you do something to betray her trust, you can’t be upset at her lack of desire to submit at that point.

Black woman, own up and fix it

Submission isn’t always easy. However, if you find a good man, and he shows the ability to be a good leader, let him lead. Understand that you can’t try to run a man or a relationship, or you will end up just running him away. Doing something your man asks of you does not make you weak or powerless; it means you’re able to follow and compromise, which is something Black men want and need.

There are issues on both sides, and things that we must work on as Black men and Black women, but abandoning each other based on stereotypes is just not an option. If no one else is for us, we must at least always be for us.

Here are mantras to leave you with:

Black men: Always treat a Black woman how you would want a man to have treated your mother, a Black woman, and how you’ll eventually want a man to treat your daughter, a Black woman.

Black women: With all the strength and magic you see in each other, don’t forget to see it in Black men, too.

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11 Comments

  • I don’t agree with this article at all.You should be proud of your race to be honest if you have never experienced racism you have no idea at all.You can get dramer from any woman black or white .This all depends on the person you meet and knowing what sort of woman you want.Often people go dating many random people not really knowing what they want in life.You have to know who you are as a person before you can appreciate your own race.Its sad how we black people look down upon our own race.This is why some people fail to progress because you not happy with who God made you to be or your colour.

  • As a black woman, I have found it extremely difficult to have decent conversations with a lot of black men. This is not about all of them but A LOT of them. I feel they automatically label me because I’m black. It makes me feel as though they think because I am a black woman I want to catch them in a lie, find a fault or start an argument/debate. They get so defensive when I ask a question about them and it just makes me walk away. It’s too stressful. I ask questions to get to know people not tear them down.

    There are some that are cool but it does feel rare. It is SO freshing to meet open minded people in general. I think the problems definitely come from deep rooted insecurities. I don’t focus on being with black men only but quite a few of my experiences have been negative. I’m a supporter but definitely not an ego stroker.

    • I’m Latina, dating a black male for the first time. He’s one of the coolest guys I ever met, and I love his positive attitude towards challenges in life. Although we disagree in many things, we haven’t raised our voices once. Our chemistry is amazing.

      A lot of the issues described above can be applied to Latinos too, and I must say, I’ve met white men that are just as abusive or disrespectful as “black men”. In my opinion, infidelity is a human problem, not a race issue. Somehow men and women in general lost a connection in this modern age.

      The ladies that left comments above discribed the same things that the author wrote above. I think when it comes to relationships, listening can be more effective then screaming or overreacting. An adult conversation doesn’t need to be loud or escalate

      • You totally missed the point. This article is about why black men refuse to date black women (based on negative stereotypes about black women), not about cheating or whatever else you just mentioned.

        • Actually, that is part of the point. Disrespect or otherwise, I feel that all of this needs to be addressed, so that an open communication can be obtained to achieve a positive resolution.

  • It is sad that is come to the point that 1 of my 2018 resolutions is no more black male friends. The last one disrespected me so bad I felt like killing him, that’s how much rage he inspired. The black male and the white female are one in the same now, both PIECES OF SHIT. And so long as they leave me alone I won’t feel the need to drop kick Both of Them! 2018 no more black males for me!

  • Mostly BS, ultimately one sided, article written from a woman’s perspective only. When looking for a life mate no self respecting black man is going opt for a woman that makes his life more difficult than it already is. We don’t care why you are angry and not sweet or kind black woman. Only that we won’t marry a woman who isn’t those things. Sorry.

    • Maybe I will come off like an ass but, someone needs a hug and some counseling. My mother is a black woman that had issues. My father a black man. That being said, he stood strong til he couldn’t stand anymore (One old school value I hold deeply myself).

      Myself, whom used to date, (in my younger days) race by moment, (what/who do I want to talk to tonight), I am the walking epitome of, “oh hell no”.

      My mother is a living, walking, breathing reason to leave black women alone. That being said, I, a man who takes care of all his children, have 3 beautiful kids by my (black) wife and 4 beautiful children by my previous relationships (2 mixed). The best part is, even though, we had horrible disagreements during separation, we are friends now and have been for years.

      I appreciate the comment though, it is a subject that needs to be addressed.

  • From a black man, true to humanity:
    1. Inferiority= Black women are more educated than black men,
    2. Black men have a profound issue with individuality (meaning, they have some innate desire to fit in to a culture geared to maintain oppression by the standards set by the cultural norm).
    3. Black men are not treated as equals in society, dominance is key, so they are not able to connect with two superiors in a single home (white women and many others alike, do not and are not a threat to the male ego as a black woman who is strong in virtue).

    I have more, this is just a tidbit of info. The true challenge does not stem from relationships, it is derived from upbringing. Society in itself has to stop the oppression and homicide of prominent young black men geared to a better future. Black women need to stop playing the blame game and raise their young doctors, lawyers and sports figures correctly [the nightlife and partying ends when the parental (motherhood) begins].
    Even though we are in a new era, old values prevail. Everybody has watched good times, it seems to be DNA coded. We have to get away from that thinking and realize that being a family is a team effort.
    Remember, it takes a village to raise a child.

    Looking forward to reading comments. In this brief comment, i hope to trigger a real forum.

    Resolutions can not be achieved without open, pure, honest conversation.

  • Sorry that you feel that way. As a black male, I will not apologized for the actions of another. I refuse to be held responsible for the actions of another. That being said,3 not one (1) person on this earth has the same mind set of another. So in my eyes (my personal experience), for you or anyone to group an entire race/gender into a group, makes you/anyone just as bad as those who oppressed others during slavery or the holocaust.

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